Post by erosaf on Oct 10, 2010 18:06:19 GMT 8
Here is what she said!!!!
Thank you for affording me the opportunity to read your manuscript. I’m not sure how much you know about me but I’m an editor with nearly ten years experience in the field. I’ve edited screenplays, novels, corporate copy, private copy and everything in between. The majority of manuscripts I do edit happen to come into the fantasy/speculative fiction genre, just as When Forces Collide does.
Let me congratulate you on doing what very few people can do – write a book! I know it feels like a mammoth effort at times, and for that I do congratulate you. You’ve taken action to follow your writing goals, and that sort of effort, if you’re willing to keep it up, will more than likely see you on your way getting published, so again, well done.
Now, to the nitty gritty.
If I’m honest (and if you’re honest too), it’s not the most original story. Combining elves and vampires hasn’t really been attempted before, this is true (and intriguing!), but the story of a hidden princess coming out of seclusion, falling in love and then defeating the cruel tyrant has been done plenty of times. When I read your story, I can feel the influence of Lord of the Rings and Twilight, and in your dialogue, there are times when you’ve used Tolkien’s Sindarin language as your elves communicate (‘Mae govannen’ page 10), and also by using ‘Atar’ when Gem addresses her father, much as Arwen does in the film. The introduction of Orcs is also problematic as they are a creation of Tolkien alone, and not considered a general species to add into your mythology, such as vampires and elves and werewolves, etc.
I know how it easy it is to accidently fold aspects of your favourite stories and films into what ends up on the page, but this will not help you get published down the track, and can lead to other authors being less than impressed that someone is using their creations and words without their permission.
However there is a very large positive out of this – you have two very likable main characters. Both Gem Hawksong (great name!), and Drannor are two interesting and appealing characters. You’ve written their narrative voices very well, and given them enough life, so that if you need to add or subtract from the storyline, their characters wouldn’t be hurt.
The continuity of the story is good. Each event flows on well to the next, although sometimes it did read as though you were writing against a dot-point plan. Personally, I can’t fault this as all authors should write to a plan, but Gem flies from one point of action to another in a manner that’s very fast, and can leave the reader back-tracking to figure out how and why she’s managed to move on so quickly. Don’t be afraid to use up some of your word count by going into detail.
There are lots of little proofreading errors that need to be tidied up. Letters missing from words, words missing altogether, grammatical errors that require correcting – nothing overly major, but there’s enough small errors there for the manuscript to look messy. Go through the text with your editor eye activated (don’t rely on spell-check), and fix these little errors. Publishers like to receive squeaky clean manuscripts, and have been known to throw away a manuscript because an author misspelled a word (fickle, I know).
Your manuscript is too short by about 30,000 words. Most standard paperback fictional novels are around 80,000 words. Traditionally, fantasy is usually closer to, and oftentimes above, 100,000 words.
Recommendations
More words. This is epic fantasy. You can be as long-winded as you like, and in the case of Gem, her back story and early character development needs more work. It was difficult to tell if she was an abandoned child, or an orphaned elf, and it was hard to ascertain why she would be bullied, when everything about her character seems so strong, especially when Nuala arrives to take her away – she seems so in control. With the knowledge of her previous life with her mother and father (and her boyfriend), how come she becomes so subservient? And why, in her twenties (that’s my assumption), is she still living in an orphanage? Does she look as young as a child? Towards the end you mention that it’s only been a few years between leaving the town with the orphanage and becoming the warrior queen that takes down Lindan Marcos (another great name). You have plenty of words to play with, please use them and flesh out your characters and their personal story a bit more.
World-building. You can also add in more description about your world, and why this quest of Gem’s is so important. Why does she spend time getting married, and learning how to fight if the problem is urgent now? One of the greatest plot devices that the best-selling authors use is to throw the hero into the thick of the deadly action right away. This creates tension and conflict and fuels a story, and the hero either learns or dies. Gem could use some of this kind of tension right from the first page. What’s happening in the cities and villages of your world that is driving her in this quest? What is she seeing, what has she seen that’s given her the resolve to rid the world of Lindan Marcos? Why is her world so special? Tell your readers more about the historical bias on both sides of coin. Go into detail, and if you haven’t created a map, then hop to it! A map will give your world substance.
More of your own unique ideas. Unfortunately, elves and vampires have been done to death, but you can use elves and vampires by making them unique, by putting your own original spin on them. How can you make them different from everybody else? I think the elves can get away with being called elves, but the vampires will need another name. There is no more room (at present), for vampire fiction in the writer’s market. What else can you think to call your blood-sucking friends and villains? It is okay for people to know they’re vampires by their actions and behaviour, but all your readers may find themselves doing is comparing Drannnor to Edward, and that’s not fair on your character at all. Give him the space to shake off the current opinion on vampires so he can become his own self, and stand independently of Edward, Bill Compton, Lestat and all the other creations that have filled our consciousness over the last few years. I think there’s actually a brilliant opportunity to build on the different species of elf, and the things that divide them ... especially the lineage of someone like Drannor.
Publishers usually like to receive manuscripts that are double-spaced, 12pt, Times New Roman stylised. Boring as hell, I know, but expect rejections from publishers if they’re not in that style. Try and get into the habit of making sure your text always looks as though it’s ready for a publisher to see it.
My most important recommendation is to have the confidence to keep going! I know it’s hard to have someone critique your work, but in allowing me to read it you’re showing great courage as a writer. From what you’re reading here, I can only hope you’ll look at your story with determination, as you have the tools to make it better. You are a good writer, and you understand the mechanics of writing very, very well. All you need to do now is really make this story your own – release the influences that drove you to write, and be the influence for other young writers. David Eddings once said that he’d write 100,000 words, burn them, write another 100,000 words and burn them too. It’s what we do as writers, whether we hit perfection or not, we keep writing, always trying to make our work better. As an editor, I see When Forces Collide as an early draft, a great set of words to build on and make better.
Keep up the great work Jamie, and with some copy-editing and a bit of re-writing, this manuscript may be published down the track. Please feel free to email me if you have any queries, or need help implementing any of the recommendations, or would like to clarify anything I’ve written here.
Wow there was a lot there was there not? Lots to do and time to do it in? Yes and yes. woohoo
Thank you for affording me the opportunity to read your manuscript. I’m not sure how much you know about me but I’m an editor with nearly ten years experience in the field. I’ve edited screenplays, novels, corporate copy, private copy and everything in between. The majority of manuscripts I do edit happen to come into the fantasy/speculative fiction genre, just as When Forces Collide does.
Let me congratulate you on doing what very few people can do – write a book! I know it feels like a mammoth effort at times, and for that I do congratulate you. You’ve taken action to follow your writing goals, and that sort of effort, if you’re willing to keep it up, will more than likely see you on your way getting published, so again, well done.
Now, to the nitty gritty.
If I’m honest (and if you’re honest too), it’s not the most original story. Combining elves and vampires hasn’t really been attempted before, this is true (and intriguing!), but the story of a hidden princess coming out of seclusion, falling in love and then defeating the cruel tyrant has been done plenty of times. When I read your story, I can feel the influence of Lord of the Rings and Twilight, and in your dialogue, there are times when you’ve used Tolkien’s Sindarin language as your elves communicate (‘Mae govannen’ page 10), and also by using ‘Atar’ when Gem addresses her father, much as Arwen does in the film. The introduction of Orcs is also problematic as they are a creation of Tolkien alone, and not considered a general species to add into your mythology, such as vampires and elves and werewolves, etc.
I know how it easy it is to accidently fold aspects of your favourite stories and films into what ends up on the page, but this will not help you get published down the track, and can lead to other authors being less than impressed that someone is using their creations and words without their permission.
However there is a very large positive out of this – you have two very likable main characters. Both Gem Hawksong (great name!), and Drannor are two interesting and appealing characters. You’ve written their narrative voices very well, and given them enough life, so that if you need to add or subtract from the storyline, their characters wouldn’t be hurt.
The continuity of the story is good. Each event flows on well to the next, although sometimes it did read as though you were writing against a dot-point plan. Personally, I can’t fault this as all authors should write to a plan, but Gem flies from one point of action to another in a manner that’s very fast, and can leave the reader back-tracking to figure out how and why she’s managed to move on so quickly. Don’t be afraid to use up some of your word count by going into detail.
There are lots of little proofreading errors that need to be tidied up. Letters missing from words, words missing altogether, grammatical errors that require correcting – nothing overly major, but there’s enough small errors there for the manuscript to look messy. Go through the text with your editor eye activated (don’t rely on spell-check), and fix these little errors. Publishers like to receive squeaky clean manuscripts, and have been known to throw away a manuscript because an author misspelled a word (fickle, I know).
Your manuscript is too short by about 30,000 words. Most standard paperback fictional novels are around 80,000 words. Traditionally, fantasy is usually closer to, and oftentimes above, 100,000 words.
Recommendations
More words. This is epic fantasy. You can be as long-winded as you like, and in the case of Gem, her back story and early character development needs more work. It was difficult to tell if she was an abandoned child, or an orphaned elf, and it was hard to ascertain why she would be bullied, when everything about her character seems so strong, especially when Nuala arrives to take her away – she seems so in control. With the knowledge of her previous life with her mother and father (and her boyfriend), how come she becomes so subservient? And why, in her twenties (that’s my assumption), is she still living in an orphanage? Does she look as young as a child? Towards the end you mention that it’s only been a few years between leaving the town with the orphanage and becoming the warrior queen that takes down Lindan Marcos (another great name). You have plenty of words to play with, please use them and flesh out your characters and their personal story a bit more.
World-building. You can also add in more description about your world, and why this quest of Gem’s is so important. Why does she spend time getting married, and learning how to fight if the problem is urgent now? One of the greatest plot devices that the best-selling authors use is to throw the hero into the thick of the deadly action right away. This creates tension and conflict and fuels a story, and the hero either learns or dies. Gem could use some of this kind of tension right from the first page. What’s happening in the cities and villages of your world that is driving her in this quest? What is she seeing, what has she seen that’s given her the resolve to rid the world of Lindan Marcos? Why is her world so special? Tell your readers more about the historical bias on both sides of coin. Go into detail, and if you haven’t created a map, then hop to it! A map will give your world substance.
More of your own unique ideas. Unfortunately, elves and vampires have been done to death, but you can use elves and vampires by making them unique, by putting your own original spin on them. How can you make them different from everybody else? I think the elves can get away with being called elves, but the vampires will need another name. There is no more room (at present), for vampire fiction in the writer’s market. What else can you think to call your blood-sucking friends and villains? It is okay for people to know they’re vampires by their actions and behaviour, but all your readers may find themselves doing is comparing Drannnor to Edward, and that’s not fair on your character at all. Give him the space to shake off the current opinion on vampires so he can become his own self, and stand independently of Edward, Bill Compton, Lestat and all the other creations that have filled our consciousness over the last few years. I think there’s actually a brilliant opportunity to build on the different species of elf, and the things that divide them ... especially the lineage of someone like Drannor.
Publishers usually like to receive manuscripts that are double-spaced, 12pt, Times New Roman stylised. Boring as hell, I know, but expect rejections from publishers if they’re not in that style. Try and get into the habit of making sure your text always looks as though it’s ready for a publisher to see it.
My most important recommendation is to have the confidence to keep going! I know it’s hard to have someone critique your work, but in allowing me to read it you’re showing great courage as a writer. From what you’re reading here, I can only hope you’ll look at your story with determination, as you have the tools to make it better. You are a good writer, and you understand the mechanics of writing very, very well. All you need to do now is really make this story your own – release the influences that drove you to write, and be the influence for other young writers. David Eddings once said that he’d write 100,000 words, burn them, write another 100,000 words and burn them too. It’s what we do as writers, whether we hit perfection or not, we keep writing, always trying to make our work better. As an editor, I see When Forces Collide as an early draft, a great set of words to build on and make better.
Keep up the great work Jamie, and with some copy-editing and a bit of re-writing, this manuscript may be published down the track. Please feel free to email me if you have any queries, or need help implementing any of the recommendations, or would like to clarify anything I’ve written here.
Wow there was a lot there was there not? Lots to do and time to do it in? Yes and yes. woohoo